I have noticed over the years that I have come to be completely obsessed with dates and times. Is this normal?
From a woman stuck in the 70s [at about 3:34p.m.]
Dear Woman
This is perfectly normal behaviour for people with limited intelligence. We call it a ‘coping mechanism’ but you wouldn’t understand that.
Dear Mr Papersurfer Snr
I was born in Canada. Is there any help available?
From Anonymous
Dear Fracas
There is no good news for you I’m afraid. You are Canadian and there is no chance of escape. I am sorry to break this to you so abruptly and publicly.
Dear D. Papersurfer
I am surrounded by goddesses at home and suffer from ear trouble. Any advice?
A hopeful Fowl Person
Dear Fowl Person
Industrial strength earmuffs should help. Also practise some stock phrases like ‘Yes dear’, ‘I’ll help you as soon as I can’, ‘I don’t know anything about horses, Emu, ask your mother’ and ‘I’m sorry, I’ve got to go out NOW’.
[Don’t let any of your family see this advice – otherwise, we’ll both be for the high jump].
Dear DP
I am a surfer stuck in the mountains of Portugal. I’m having trouble with my father. Where can I buy disowning papers?
A Complete Stranger
Dear Strange Person
Oddly I am having the same problem with my son. I have tried in many different ways to lose him but he still keeps turning up. If you have any success, please let me know.
Dear Daddy of them all
I have a strange desire to show my nipples off, mainly on Fridays. Is this a good thing or am I a bad girl?
Health Care Worker Down Under
Dear Carer
This is a good thing and yes, you are a bad girl.
Dear Monsieur Papersurfer
I recently discovered I am married to Kevin. Is this a mistake?
A Resident de La Rochelle
Dear Madame
I’m afraid it’s true. It must be like a living nightmare. My sympathies are with you but there is nothing to be done but grin and bear it. It could be worse though – you might have met me first.
Dear DaddyOh
Over recent weeks I have started to lose my balance fairly regularly. What do you think could be causing this?
Baby
Dear Little Person
So you are unbalanced. I’ve noticed a tendency for you to twirl on a frequent basis. Perhaps if you tried twirling in a clockwise direction followed by a twirl in an anti-clockwise direction, your symptoms might be alleviated.
Dear Fiance
I have moments when I feel I am completely wrapped up and almost unable to move. Is this normal at my age?
Linky
Dear Betrothed
I suspect that all the links that you’ve been creating in the virtual world are beginning to catch up with you. Discover the weakest link and break it. This should give you some breathing space for a little while.
Dearest Sir Papersurfer
Every morning I wake up feeling grumpy – this is becoming a bit of a worry. What should I do?
Mr Woppity
Dear Woppit
You could try and wake up feeling Happy. I suppose Grumpy might get jealous though.
Dear SugarDaddy
Every time I go for a walk, I end up with sand between my toes and a beer bottle welded to my hand. Actually, I quite like it but I thought I’d just tell you. Please don’t give me any advice.
Lizza
Dear Blogging Woman
The most sensible letter I’ve ever received. My advice would be ……. oh, I’ve just read your letter properly. ……… cheeky.
If you have any problems that you think I can help you with, please keep them to yourself – thank you.
