Avid readers I’ve included a photo of myself, obviously taken a few years ago.
And now, A DAY IN THE LIFE OF.
Having spent a pleasant half hour cooking, watching my spinach wilt and playing air guitar to Regina Spektor, I snuck into the living room with a malt whisky. The terrible Goddess had her nose stuck in book – ‘Mongolian Beer Festivals’,[ a fascinating read by the way; apparently Mongolian beer makes people very garrulous, from whence we get the expression yakkity yak ] when her head lifted and she fixed me with a steely stare.
“Another whisky? Do you think that’s wise?’ and then returned to her book.
I remembered that it wouldn’t be long before the hay fever season started and the terrible Goddess would lose all sense of smell, which eases my life a lot!
I settled down to watching Kill Bill 1 and Kill Bill 2 back to back.
After the central heating had kicked in, the nose appeared again, this time nostrils flaring.
“What IS that smell? It smells just like a dead hamster!”
I was just going ask how she knew what a dead hamster smelled like, fearing there was an area in her past that I didn’t know about when
“It’s your feet! Please, do something about them.”
I went into the futility room and found some shoe deodouriser and sprayed my socks, my feet and my ankles just to be sure [ I wasn’t wearing shoes ] and returned to the living room.
This time the nostrils did a fair impression of the entrance to the Channel Tunnel.
Sneezing ensued.
“Please, please – that smell is TERRIBLE!!”
I rushed from the room wondering what to do. How do you deodourise deodouriser?……………………… Ah. The great outdoors!
I flew into the garden, stripped off my socks and holding one in each hand I ran in circles, windmilling my arms through the long grass. A neighbour, who was taking his dog for a late walk, looked quizzically over the fence. I mumbled something about the solstice, Stonehenge and, 'How are you, nice evening' and then went back inside.
The nose didn’t appear again so I reckoned all was well.
I sat down and day dreamed about the grass growing and everything covered in pollen – Uma Thurman will have to wait for another day.
(He’s forgotten about Benadryl! Lo, TG Ed.)
[Oh bugger. Daddy P]
Next time: ‘Habla usted Espanol? – The Spanish Inquisition ‘
