Today is the FEAST DAY OF THE TERRIBLE GODDESS - [happy birthday to you tra-la]
Avid readers, below is a photograph of Tiggz and Papersurfer taken a few years ago.
------------------Penfold-------------------------------------------------Tiggz------------------
This is the present state of affairs.
TIGGZ
PENFOLD
For you young parents out there and those contemplating having children of your own I've decided to give some pointers of how to accomplish the same - my life's work.
1. Learn their individual names as early as you can. If in difficulty develop a cross-eyed or boss-eyed look so they are not quite sure which one you are addressing.
2. Teach them to turn the other cheek lest one should get too inflamed.
3. Drop at least one, strapped in it's baby chair, from the bonnet of a car. (You left out 'run indoors in a panic to find the TG, leaving the other one to play with the traffic'. Lo, TG Ed.)
4. If they run into your bedroom really early in the morning when they have been experimenting with matches inside of a backless cupboard that's standing in front of the curtains which are now going up in flames and you haven't got any clothes on and you are tempted to run in and pull down the curtains and stamp out the flames and then notice two old ladies staring at you from the street......don't.
5. Encourage their strong belief that the terrible Goddess has got eyes in the back of her head. [Actually I'm convinced of that one myself]. ( I have - just not enough of them obviously. Lo, TG Ed.)
6. When they are at the crawling stage leave the front door open by accident so that they can explore the outside world particularly if you live on a busy street.
7. Encourage them to take off all their clothes in Safeways, but not after their eighteenth birthdays.
8. If one approaches you and says that it's just thrown a dart into the arm of the other one, set up a board, AT THE RIGHT HEIGHT, so that the aim can be improved - apparently it should have been a leg.
There are many other pointers but it's almost impossible to cover all the bases and I do hope I have been of help.
Soon - 'How to avoid having children by wearing fuschia socks' (The fuschia socks didn't come into our lives until later - of course that was a blessing. Lo, TG Ed.)
