I had only just learned what one was [the terrible Goddess and I were rehearsing one of her rituals and I said " So I lie prostate on the ground?" She cocked one eyebrow and pointed towards the dictionary [a habit that has returned with a vengeance of late].
Anyway, I was at the doctor's for a reason I don't want to go into now and as I was about to leave, mentioned my prostate.
"I'll have a look now" she said.
Light slowly dawned as to what this might entail when I was asked to drop my trousers and lie on my side on the examination table and face the wall. I heard the sound of snapping Marigolds.
I thought of England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and the Outer Hebrides.
"OK, you can get dressed now. No problems there - it's slightly enlarged - nothing to worry about"
" Quite frankly, after that I'm surprised it's not hugely enlarged " said I and made my way home.
I turned on the television to watch 'All Creatures Great and Small" to recover my equilibrium and swiftly turned it off again as James Herriot approached a cowshed.
A couple of days ago I attended a 'well man' clinic for a checkup. I had done my research this time and knew that the prostate would be a subject of investigation again. In preparation I had had three showers, equipped with an old toothbrush and industrial quality Q-Tips.
The nurse took my blood pressure, weighed me, stole about 3 pints of claret and then started to wave me goodbye.
"I thought my prostate was going to be examined' I said and started to drop my trousers.
"Whoa there cowboy !!" she screamed [her finger poised above the panic button] and proceeded to explain that the bloods would indicate any possible problems. If there was a problem , further investigations would be carried out. "By the doctor!!" She opened the door and shoved me out.
I'd done my best, I'd tried, I had been prepared like a good boy scout. All that wasted effort - bummer.
(I'm not at all sure the world's ready for this amount of information. Why this overwhelming need to share? Lo TG Ed.)
