I've mentioned the rule at the gated community concerning not vacuuming before 11 o'clock on a Sunday.

There is one other rule that is beginning to worry me..............no pets allowed.



Due to a very peculiar set of circumstances I have inherited a llama. He is being looked after by a friend at the moment but the time will come when I'll have to take full responsibility.

I've been on the interweave and discovered I can take a course in llama training for a very reasonable fee. It guarantees that within three weeks I will be able, with a single command, to train Gertrude [a funny name for a male llama I know, but he arrived with it] to stand stock still and look like a hat stand.

On the rare occasions when the President of the Resident's Association knocks on my door, this will be vital.

As yet I haven't dared tell the terrible Goddess about Gertrude but I have a feeling that they'll get on like a house on fire. (Something will be on fire, Peabrain, but it won't be the house. Lo,TG Ed) The llama has the same look of disdain that I've witnessed for years.

[Why is 'getting on like a house on fire' good? - it sounds bloody dangerous to me]. (For the first time in many years - you're right. Lo,TG Ed).

There is an excellent new game show on British television called 'Would I Lie to You?'. Two teams made up of Celebs and two resident comedians have to tell each other seemingly ridiculous stories about what has happened to them, or to other well known names. The opposing team has to decide whether they are lying or not.
Below is my list - you decide whether it's fact or fiction.

1. I am allergic to duck eggs. If I eat anything that has a hint of duck egg in it, I'm violently sick and ill for 24 hours. (I'm so fond of ducks....... such useful creatures. Lo,TG Ed)



2. A double decker bus once parked on my foot. The driver leaned out and asked if he should drive backwards or forwards - I made the wrong decision.

3. I was a father, then got married and then got engaged.

4. I was trapped on the planet Arg and only escaped by the skin of my teeth. ( Damned inefficient those Argons. Lo,TG Ed)

5. I caught my winkle-pickers [shoes with long pointy toes c.1961 ish] in the turn-ups of my trousers and fell down 13 steps two hours before my brother's wedding. (Is that what 's known as being a fashion victim? Lo,TG Ed)



6. I nearly poisoned the Archbishop of Canterbury with some iffy smoked mackerel.

7. I run two miles everyday despite having a slipped disc. (Only because I'm chasing you. Lo, TG,Ed)

8. The terrible Goddess sent me to get some nappies immediately after I had had an accident on my motorbike. My trousers were torn, there was blood pouring down my leg and my testimonials had almost been ripped off. (Babies don't stop peeing just because you've had a little accident, Peabrain. Lo,TG Ed)

The choice is yours - fact or fiction?

Actually they're all true except one ......................... can you spot it?

Apparently Sundays are becoming serious - still there you go.



When I was about 8, my father, mother, older brother, cousin Brian and I clambered into our 10' wooden dinghy and set off up the River Ouse for a day out.
We got as far as a weir and could go no further, so my father rowed to a little river beach and we settled down to enjoy a picnic.



After lunch Dad and I got in the boat and started mucking about in the turgid waters of the weir. The next thing I knew I had fallen in the water. I could swim but not that powerfully. I struck out for the river beach where I could see Mum up to her knees, skirt pulled high, revealing her old fashioned long knickers, frantically shouting. I couldn't hear a thing above the sound of rushing water. I swam and I swam but the eddies and currents made progress painfully slow.
I gave up exhausted and sank beneath the water. I had no sense of panic and remember seeing a minnow swimming by. I decided to make one last effort and swam towards the light. The last thing I was aware of as I reached the surface, was feeling something touching my shoulder.
I came to on the river beach, lying face down, with my Dad, who had been a Master in the merchant navy, pumping water out of my system. A couple of coughs and dribbles and I was as right as rain [except for gravel rash down my front from the pebbles].
I wanted to walk back to the hotel where we were staying but my father made me get back in the boat so that we could float down the river. I was very apprehensive but it was the right thing to do - I might never have got in a boat again.

After we had got back and had had baths and refreshing cups of tea I found out some more details.

My father had jumped in after me and been swept down river.
My brother had decided to go and retrieve the oars and the boat!
My mother said that when I disappeared under the water for what seemed forever, she thought I was a gonner.
And my cousin Brian, who was always rather laid back and thoughtful, calmly swam out to where I had last been seen and when my head reappeared and I passed out, rescued me very efficiently.

Surprisingly, I have no fear of water [respect of course] and no fear of dying - although I would like to put it off for a bit.

I'm getting concerned for the wife of the President of the Resident's Association. [I've found out her name is Wopra Imfree, which is a bit spooky].



Last night the terrible Goddess went off to bed early, saying either "I've got a headache" or "You're giving me a headache" - I didn't quite hear.
I decided to conduct a little self-trepanning experiment. Suffice it to say that it wasn't that successful and I found myself in need of a large cork.
Unfortunately I keep them in the underground garage that we share with the rest of the gated community and I had forgotten the code to open the gates so that I could get in there.
You can operate them from the inside by pressing a button but this is well out of reach from the outside.
So, I came up with a cunning plan.
I crept into the bedroom [luckily the TG had fallen asleep by then], to get the shepherd's crook that I keep by the bed [don't ask, I once had a very headstrong sheep called Jojo and.......... well] and the mirror that I have handy if the TG has a 'Medusa Moment' in the middle of the night.
(I have tried to explain curlers several times, he just won't accept that I need any artificial enhancement. Lo,TG Ed)
I fixed the mirror to the crook, used gaffer tape and a wire coat hanger and crept back down to the gates guarding the garage.
I was just manoeuvering my equipment into position when I spotted Wopra.



She was standing by my new bicycle, a torch taped to her head, holding the new Harry Potter book in one hand
and waving a thin piece of driftwood in the other.
She kept repeating "Deflatusdeflatus" and shaking her head.
By this time my head had stopped leaking so I quietly crept away and put myself to bed.
If this sort of irrational behaviour continues I'll have to bring it up at the next AGM of the Resident's Association.

[Genuine result from random blog method as described here].

EXAMINATION TO DISCOVER THE BEST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD

Equipment needed:-

Dictionary

Computer

Blogsite

Method:-

Open dictionary at random and select word

Search on Yahoo Images for, surprisingly, an image.

Result:-

Word - drivel

Images -





Blog:-

Unfortunately this is something I know nothing about* and therefore can think of nothing to say. This is the first time this method has failed - today of all days.
I hope I'll be able to take this blogging examination again.
(*This must be deliberate provocation - shall I rise to it, you'd probably be disappointed if I didn't, wouldn't you Peabrain, so..................... Nice day isn't it? Lo,TG Ed)

My outside sensor is in danger of becoming senseless. (It's not the only thing. Lo,TG Ed.)
I have one of those nifty electronic weather thingies. The outside sensor has developed a leak, so tends to lose it's way in the rain.



Plan one was to put it in a plastic bag but this seemed to cause localised global warming because of the greenhouse effect. Apparently the temperature went up to 69 degrees centigrade. I'll remember to do this during the winter.

I decided to make a little house, with tiny, automated sun blinds to keep it out of direct sunlight and with cunning ventilation so it didn't suffer from lack of a good air supply.

I then realised the easiest solution.



I rushed out and bought a cuckoo clock. I got rid of the cuckoo by overfeeding it so it went to sleep, and then chucked carefully placed it on a boat in the marina. It'll probably be down in the Algarve when it wakes up, so we could be reunited later in the year.
Then with gaffer tape, staples and super glue I stuck the sensor where the cuckoo used to be and mounted the assembly on the outside wall. So now it's living in comfort most of the time and only has to poke it's head out every hour to access the weather situation. It can then dry out or have a bath or whatever before having to go to work again - brilliant.
(Living in comfort? Poke it's head out? Why is the weather guage telling the time ..... loudly? Lo,TG Ed)