There is only one rule in my gated community: 'On Sundays - no vacuuming before 11 o'clock'.
This is so sensible and reasonable and caring and considerate. I thoroughly approve but.....................
Last Sunday I woke up at 7 [early for you youngsters I know], had a strong cup of coffee and brekky and then realised that I still hadn't cleared up the mess I had made the day before, when obeying the commands of the terrible Goddess. She had said that I must "get all these boxes of books off the floor" so that her altar could be erected and services of adoration performed by her newly acquired acolytes without delay. To this end I had stayed up really late putting up shelves; it was nearly 9:45 p.m. before I went to bed!
I started pacing and pondering, trying to see a way round the problem. Silent vacuuming - how could I achieve this? I couldn't use a dust pan and brush because that would would cause a cloud of catastrophe [the TG is allergic to everything apart from diamonds and steamed plaice].
The use of water and a cloth on the carpet would have got me in to so much trouble that it wasn't even to be considered.
I could wait 'til eleven I suppose but................ I just couldn't.
In the end I resorted to getting down on all fours and sucking. I equipped myself with mouth wash and a bottle of oxygen and it all went rather well. When the vast majority of the brick dust and general detritus had been removed, I did a quick lick round and the carpet was pristine.
I'm not convinced that the sneezing and spluttering and hacking cough was any quieter than the vacuum cleaner but the letter of the law was obeyed.
OK, listen up. Tomorrow, after all this nonsense, I am going to attempt to teach you something. So I want you to rummage through your drawers and find your thinking caps - thank you for your kind attention.
