I've just completed an intensive course in the art of Feng Shui.



There are certain areas of concern. I feel it might be unwise to involve other apartment dwellers, particularly the President of the Resident's Association and good old Wopra. My relationship with her is getting extremely complicated since the incident with the cotton bud and the banana skin - nuff said!

Anyway, when wishing to attract abundance, hence my increase of daily calories, the path of energy works both ways. Being unable to re-align the apartment block, I have installed a series of mirrors, on swivels naturally. I have also hedged my bets by having barbed wire fitted at ceiling height, on a series of pulleys with counter-weights, that can be raised and lowered according to the phase of the moon. This has, on occasion, made it very difficult to get the shopping from the front door to the kitchen in one piece and there are certain days when it's impossible to wear an angora sweater.

I've been opening the windows at every opportunity to receive positive energy. [There have been times when I've wished I had more angora sweaters, the weather has been so foul.]

I haven't been remiss in making sure that my own chi doesn't become slow and stale. I've been walking around the apartment, stark naked, beating myself with a birch twig. It's unfortunate that the neighbours can see straight in now, what with the windows being open and the position of the mirrors, but I am determined to continue.

The other main concern is receiving enough prana from plants. I only have the balcony available as a garden, which is some what limiting.



However I have manged to make some passable artificial plants from some wire coat hangers, some duct tape and an old pair of the terrible Goddess's knickers [white, of course]. They needed stretching a bit so I've been wearing them on my head as I've been parading to improve my chi.

I think it's worth the effort - I'm only trying to improve life for the TG. It must be working - she's been saying "Heavens" a lot recently.

(I'm checking in at the Priory next week, for restorative therapy. Lo,TG Ed).