I have standing orders when friends come round for dinner.



1. Don't speak unless spoken to.
2. Don't mention hair in unexpected places.
3. Discussion of rashes to be kept to the minimum.



4. Don't giggle if someone breaks wind.
5. Don't cock a leg if I break wind.



6. Road numbers, short cuts, traffic conditions and cones are never to be mentioned again.
7. Shave, but only in the usual places.
8. Show respect but don't grovel, unlike the normal practice.
9. No stories about grouting.
10. Enjoy myself.
Luckily, we don't have many friends.