Hey.. I'm just here to keep you in line. I'm too old (or too much of an arse) for fairy moans and perfume or pheromones all give me a headache. I'm one of those annoying people who prefer everything "scent-free".

I don't smoke either.

But instead of that whole "letting me down gently" thing, do you think you could offer me a public apology for just being so dang ornery and hard to keep in line?

I'd really like that. And you know, Nanny Stella (a good friend of mine) would be so pleased for me too. She gets those apologies usually by the end of each show and you know... I'm kind of jealous.

Dear Fracas

I am so sorry I can hardly understand a word that you say - perhaps it is because you are a daughter of Eve or because you are a Canadian.
This is a genuine and heartfelt regret.

Yours very sincerely

Daddy Papersurfer

[do not worry - when the TG sees this my life will be a misery]

My dear DP;

My heart grieves for your deep regrets but alas, it would not be right of me to patronize you during this very difficult time you are experiencing. Instead, I shall simply break the news to you and hope for the best.

It is precisely because I am a Canadian, that you should be able to understand me, and so hearing these heartfelt admissions of your failings, I can do no less for such a friend than to assist in this time of need.

Thus, I've taken the liberty of checking into some of those nice, comfortable homes where the good nurses live to engage such interesting old men as yourself, with the likes of a variety of mentally challenging sport to which you may have never experienced before. Scrabble, Rummoli, and a whole host of games played with those ingenious little cards that fit into your hand and cause many an Englishman (or woman) to quake in fear of being found to have dabbled in such a wicked, wicked pastime.

Nevertheless, the nurses insist it is good for you and will assist in bringing your mind back to life. It would appear foolish to argue. They have shown me the good works they've accomplished with so many of your kind. It is quite remarkable.

I do hope the TG doesn't mind that I've assisted. I'm sure she will enjoy the respite while you are tended to and bedded down within the halls of such a lovely and gentle place. Visiting hours will surely bring none other than your lovely TG, bearing baskets of muffins and puzzles and perhaps a wee flask smuggled beneath a bit of raisin pudding.

Please, don't thank me. It's the least I could do for you in your delicate condition. I shall eagerly await the return of your senses and sensibilities. A lesser friend might take this time to remind you that had you not attempted to mess with the Umas, this might not have been your sad demise. I however, would not do such a thing as cause you the woe such a statement would surely evoke. Particularly since I understand you're not able to recall the incident I refer to, quite possibly due to the trauma of remaining in the cupboard for so long.

So rest my friend, recover and rejuvenate yourself. Soon enough you will be well and able to understand the workings of not only the Canadian mind, but who knows.. perhaps you will understand womenfolk everywhere?

We shall hold vigil and hope.

Condolences to the TG.

Sincerely,

Your friend, Fracas.

Wot?

....this is all harsh but true...and watch it with the fairy moans - you need some of those Niagra pills!

Please don't reveal the state I'm really in - these lovely goddesses must be let down gently.

..and that's not how you spell Aviator either....

...ah the blow-up kind...your favourite!

I'm not sure I understand you .......... but better than blow-up sheep.

"Please don't hold it against me -"

I don't intend to hold anything against you don't you worry your little head about that !!

If you get a photo up I will have to print it off, put it on my mantlepiece to keep the kids away from the fire!!!

You are wise beyond your years - a triumph for medical science.

Thank you ....I know I am amazed too...

Genuinely deflated....I am. Simply....crushed. Sob sob.....

I am so sorry .......... but you never know, there might be a glitch in the time/space continuum and things will be different. You won't be a witch from Salem and I'll have a life.

Sometimes I read your blog and feel disheartened. Today is not such a day for now more than ever I am sure that we are not related...

I think details could be unearthed at the adoption agency 'Funny babies for Free' - you were so cute ......... then.

whenever you do go public do give us plenty of warning first...that's the least we deserve!

You'll be the first to know young Sylvie ............ probably

I've thought that on many an occasion myself. Rest assured, I never hold against you, the actions of the DP when I ponder the wonders that are Penfold. Surely your own mantle must be cluttered with the awards and medals you've received for the gargantuan duties you've held as one of the persons who've given the best years of your life taking care of the DP.

I cannot imagine the pain. Just know that we understand, and admire you as though you were able to walk on water. Hmm. I guess when you surf, you very nearly do.

Have you just swallowed a Thesaurus? and don't encourage the boy ............ thank you.
I showed him the walking on water trick just after we had a very nice fish supper with some sesame seed baps - there was a bit too much in the end but we shared it out.